I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
