I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
