Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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