So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
