Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
