my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
