dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
