yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
