Christians are straight up FREAKS
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
