I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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