Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
