I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
