I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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