there's paper in my vomit.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
