Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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