From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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