Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
