If i come over, it means nothing
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
