Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
