Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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