My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
