I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
