we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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