she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I could fuck to npr.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
