I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
