All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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