I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
