In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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