Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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