just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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