I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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