these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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