Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
