You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
