Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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