I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
