Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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