Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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