I murdered the dance floor call the cops
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
