You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
