I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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