Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
