im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
