I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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