I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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