If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
