I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
