last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
