Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
