the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
