at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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